13 simple steps for making a successful Bengali TV serial.

I am from India. Yes...ugh... Yup. Now that you have finished retching and...no I don't live in slums...no I haven't met Jamal (I don't think he exists)...no, Shahrukh Khan sucks...OKAY LET ME SPEAK! See, since I am from India, I have my grandparents living with me. And what do Bengali grandparents watch? Bengali TV show. Bengali TV show has flourished into a multimillion rupee industry, sprawling of rehashes of old tv shows, with each season longer than the entire run of the Simpsons, and not even half as funny. These shows are so bad that you can't even laugh at them. Each episode is like a shortened version of Twilight minus the entire Vampire-Human-Werewolf love triangle thing. Well, its worse. But hey, its a multimillion rupee industry and even YOU can make it big in there. All you need to do is follow these instructions:

1. If you are making a drama, it HAS to be set in olden times.

2. If you are not making a drama then it HAS to be set in modern times.

3. If the drama is set in modern times, everything HAS to look as if its olden times, with huts and straw houses, but all the characters need to have iPhones or some cellphone that runs on Android OS. And the only cars that are to be shown are yellow cabs. But the iPhones are more important. Even the slum dwellers who can't afford clothes should have iPhones.

4. In the drama, if there is a villain, the villain HAS to talk in english with the most pathetic accent possible while the others will speak in bengali only

5. The story has to be shit. Or cow shit. All dialogues should comprise mostly of monologues in which the character will mock other characters.

6. If the serial is not a drama, it should be a copy of CSI, House, Dexter or an extended Slumdog Millionaire.

7. Every serial MUST use the Dark Knight soundtrack and/or the Slumdog Millionaire soundtrack without obtaining the rights. 

8. The Dark Knight soundtrack MUST be played at inappropriate moments.

9. At least one character should have a spoilerific psychic premonition, which makes almost every other bengali dude psychic. 

10. The people watching the show must NOT be entertained. They should be tortured.

11. God should be a character in it.

12. The twists should be un-fucking-believable.

13. No sex. Not even the slightest mention of Sex. 

Congratulations, now you can be a part of the multimillion rupee industry that is Bengali TV!! 

Do NOT forget the Dark Knight soundtrack. You HAVE to HAVE it.