13 simple steps for making a successful Bengali TV serial.

I am from India. Yes...ugh... Yup. Now that you have finished retching and...no I don't live in slums...no I haven't met Jamal (I don't think he exists)...no, Shahrukh Khan sucks...OKAY LET ME SPEAK! See, since I am from India, I have my grandparents living with me. And what do Bengali grandparents watch? Bengali TV show. Bengali TV show has flourished into a multimillion rupee industry, sprawling of rehashes of old tv shows, with each season longer than the entire run of the Simpsons, and not even half as funny. These shows are so bad that you can't even laugh at them. Each episode is like a shortened version of Twilight minus the entire Vampire-Human-Werewolf love triangle thing. Well, its worse. But hey, its a multimillion rupee industry and even YOU can make it big in there. All you need to do is follow these instructions:

1. If you are making a drama, it HAS to be set in olden times.

2. If you are not making a drama then it HAS to be set in modern times.

3. If the drama is set in modern times, everything HAS to look as if its olden times, with huts and straw houses, but all the characters need to have iPhones or some cellphone that runs on Android OS. And the only cars that are to be shown are yellow cabs. But the iPhones are more important. Even the slum dwellers who can't afford clothes should have iPhones.

4. In the drama, if there is a villain, the villain HAS to talk in english with the most pathetic accent possible while the others will speak in bengali only

5. The story has to be shit. Or cow shit. All dialogues should comprise mostly of monologues in which the character will mock other characters.

6. If the serial is not a drama, it should be a copy of CSI, House, Dexter or an extended Slumdog Millionaire.

7. Every serial MUST use the Dark Knight soundtrack and/or the Slumdog Millionaire soundtrack without obtaining the rights. 

8. The Dark Knight soundtrack MUST be played at inappropriate moments.

9. At least one character should have a spoilerific psychic premonition, which makes almost every other bengali dude psychic. 

10. The people watching the show must NOT be entertained. They should be tortured.

11. God should be a character in it.

12. The twists should be un-fucking-believable.

13. No sex. Not even the slightest mention of Sex. 

Congratulations, now you can be a part of the multimillion rupee industry that is Bengali TV!! 

Do NOT forget the Dark Knight soundtrack. You HAVE to HAVE it.

I am breaking up with Hollywood :'(

Dear Hollywood, 

There was a time when I loved you, when your touch would send chills up my spine, when your body lying next to mine would fill me with warmth and wonder. You gave me so much happiness, so much sadness, but I loved you for your beauty. But now, I love you no more. I know that you stole from my bed to sleep with another. Where did he touch you, Hollywood? Which hole did that bastard put his cock in that you were so infatuated with him? Oh and then I found out HE wasn't the only one you laid with. I got pictures of you fucking the hell out of Micheal Bay and his dog, then McG and then Joel fucking Schumaker. You are a slut. You are a whore. You make me sad. I know what you did with M Night Shyamalan. Such a nice kid. You betrayed him. You made him sucky. And then you forced him to do the Last Airbender and now he's depressed and contemplating suicide. Final Destination, while not being flawless, was extremely watchable. But you HAD to reduce it to pathetic shit levels. And its director? You subjected him to torture and made him ruin my childhood. I know this is all a pathetic revenge plan you fucking slut. You raped Dragonball and reduced it to utter shit levels. I hate you. I fucking hate you. And now, you are torturing Universal Studios. You are making them do a movie about cards and monsters. Based on a fucking anime. A fucking pathetic anime known as Bakugan. Bakugan, of all things? Baku-fucking-gan? And that too you're getting one of the most pathetic directors of all time to do it. I know you won't stop torturing me. So you will make a Naruto now, or a Bleach or Death Note starring that Justin Bieber bitch and then maybe we'll get a Pokemon movie as well. 

You sadden me. I hate you. And I am breaking up with you. 

Your jilted lover

Bob Uzumaki